Share your story of reconciling your bi-cultural heritage and seeking authenticity, anonymously. Email it to priamba6@gmail.com. You may find that sharing is cathartic and healing. You may also find support and connection. I will make certain that there is nothing to identify you (unless you state otherwise).

We all grow up with a certain sense of how we perceive the mothering we receive and the role of motherhood in our lives- whether as mothers ourselves or as children in need of mothering. This role evolves throughout our lives – whether it is about our changing how we parent while keeping in mind the ages of our children along with how we experience our need for being mothered. How do you perceive the role of mothering in your own life? Do you have a mother that provides you with regular “mothering” or do you provide this role for yourself or through friends?

I’ve thought about this role in my life considerably, particularly as I became a mother myself for the second time around to my now 2 1/2 year-old daughter. I have not experienced actual “mothering” from a mother for the majority of my adult life. This prompted me to be more independent and find ways to mother myself, which I feel we all have to learn to do eventually.

I have not actually seen my mother since 1994. She has lived in India and will be making a trip to my home on the 17th for three weeks. We have been talking on the phone since my father’s passing in December of 2008 (while I was 7 months pregnant). I sent pictures and she sent presents for all of us. I look forward to connecting at some level and hope the visit goes well. I am glad that my children will get to meet her and my husband will get proof that I actually do have relatives!

At the same time, I am aware of barriers – one as a result of my family moving to the US in 1976. As the youngest of 4 and only 7 at the time, I identified with the American culture increasingly as part of my identity. I was encouraged to speak English and that had the eventual result of my not having enough practice speaking my native language. To this day, my mother speaks in my native language and I respond in English. I am aware of the limitations in this process. I question some of the vocabulary I want to use and in essence what I am able to communicate. This alone prevents a depth of closeness as I feel handicapped in being fully myself and conveying all that I am and my life.

I am grateful for being able to provide complete mothering to my children and plan to try the rest of my life. I want to make certain no barriers are erected and that I am able to evolve my mothering according to their needs at different ages, even if I have to hold myself back (perhaps a lot at times, as I’m experiencing with my teen occasionally).

For many South Asians, summers have meant a trip back home, especially while growing up in the states. Our parents wanted to make sure we were getting a good dose of our heritage to balance out all the Western exposure and values we were subject to the rest of our time.

For most of us, the trips were less about touring the country and more about hanging out with relatives and/or religious pilgrimages. We did both, and both bored me. I wanted to explore and see the country and I didn’t enjoy being uncomfortable on the pilgrimages and then not have the end objective explained to me. I ended up feeling more like an ignored, resentful accessory. I particularly remember being hot while walking in the desert, just wanting something cold and perhaps a treat. But golly, we were on an important pilgrimage! So comfort and enjoyment were not a factor.

I vowed to do things different as an adult. My kids would understand everything that was going on, it would have meaning for them, and they would be comfortable and enjoying themselves. In 2007, when my son, Colin, was nine, I took him on his first trip to India. We toured like crazy, sampling different locales daily on average. It was grueling, and he was the only one to not get sick.

I prepared my son and husband in advance on how the trip would be an adventure and not necessarily relaxing. We would be getting the obligatory “golden triangle” including the Taj Mahal out of the way, since it seemed important to include it in the first sampling tour of India. I advised that once we got a taste of some different places, we could focus on one during a future trip. The plan did work out from this angle – we ended up agreeing that Kerala would be a worthy place of focus in the future.

We would be going from North to South, something I had not done before. My family is from Rajasthan and that was primarily the area I had experience with – a wonderful area that many stereotypical images of India are from. I would be seeing the South for the first time with the rest of my family. I was a fish out of water like them since I could not rely on my functional use of Hindi like in the rest of the country.

We had gone in the Winter, so going towards the Himalayas was not much of an option. We decided on a future trip in the summer when we could go in that direction and visit some mountain towns. It will include my daughter Maya when she is old enough to appreciate where she is and be able to handle the adventure (and us her).

When we are “American Born Confused Desis” or even become “American Born Confident Desis,” how do we reconcile past cultural expectations of us with our quest to be our own empowered authentic women? Do expectations of our upbringing fit with our quest to be true to ourselves or do we have to make adjustments? If so, what are they?

Are there women who think about or struggle with this or do they experience a seamless process? I would think that even without a different cultural heritage, women may grapple with this issue, particularly in light of institutions such as marriage. Marriage hasn’t always been the place for female empowerment. Indeed, many women have had to make black and white choices – either be married or not.

How do women find happiness in the “grey area?” Possibly they take one day at a time, where they must navigate the waters of self-denial and self-respect. It is a body of water that men do not normally have had to wade in much. Perhaps this itself creates a level of divide between the genders?

“Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals.” – Oscar Wilde

One of the key differences I’ve observed and experienced as differences between the culture of my heritage and that which I’ve grown up in is the level of focus on individualism. Much in the Western and particularly American culture is based on the value and importance of the individual. Whereas in South Asia, the focus seemed to be on community, fitting in within a group or sometimes numerous groups, from the group we were born into along with ones based on specific religion, race and gender, for instance.

There were expectations of me based on being from the family I was from, along with an expectation of what a good Indian girl was supposed to be like, and one from the specific area I was from. There wasn’t much concern for me and my specific dreams and goals. The idea seemed foreign. In this regard, I’ve been proud to be “American” and to have been raised in an American culture.

I’ve embraced the concept of getting to know myself as a worthwhile endeavor in life. I’ve also embraced the American idea that I deserve to be as happy as I want to be as an individual. I like the American idea that I can have and do anything I set my heart on. I am not limited by any group I may be part of, including my gender or economic class. I love encouraging this concept with my children as well.

It is sad to think how much talent the world may have already been deprived of when individuals have suppressed their talents and interests for the sake of a group and its pressures.

The South Asian Festival of lights, “Diwali,” is celebrated at this time. It is one of the biggest celebrations in India and is seen as the beginning of the new calendar or financial year in some parts. Diwali is traditionally celebrated for five days with each day having a specific myth and belief.

Diwali is also a fun holiday for all ages. Houses are decorated with tiny lights inside and out. Children and adults enjoy presents, fireworks and great food, particularly delicious sweets.

An issue that South Asians growing up in the US grapple with is the coordination of holidays from their heritage and of their adopted country.

At this time, Thanksgiving is around the corner, just a week away, as is Diwali (I admit I don’t know the exact date). I know that Diwali is around Halloween, and formal celebrations normally take place sometime in November. I will look out for a Diwali event to take my family to. In the past, I have managed to make some sweets and some prayers with my family, who have sometimes looked at me with some awkwardness.

I am starting to determine what vegetarian Thanksgiving items I will make, and that my family will help me with. Once I have the recipes located, I will then go to the grocery store and hopefully get everything I need by this weekend, to avoid the last minute chaos at the stores.

I like to make pies from scratch, which my son enjoys helping with. When I was expecting my daughter two years ago, we used extra crust to decorate the pies with an “M” for “Maya” on them. It is gratifying to have her with us and be able to actually eat what we make this time.

This year, we are planning on a quiet celebration. We are not going on a trip and will celebrate at home just with our immediate family. My relaxing fantasy is that I am scrap-booking while my husband watches football, now with my son. Of course that leaves out my toddler, who will of course probably not allow such a relaxing occasion.

While trying to manage her, I hope I am able to find some peaceful moments, in-between the cooking, cleaning, and getting ready for the mother of all holidays here, Christmas. Not being able to call myself Christian, I still love the holiday and will probably shed some tears again while listening to Bing Crosby singing about a “White Christmas,” while very likely there are snowflakes falling here in Denver.

I’ve lately thought of Christmas as a beloved bully when going to stores in September and seeing Christmas items on one side, and Halloween on the other. I thought that poor Halloween didn’t even have a chance! Forget about Thanksgiving, which is sort of just the “intro” to Christmas.

Since I have a craft fair to prepare for in early December, Christmas will likely arrive earlier than normal in my home as well. I recall that last year, I ended up trying to get ready for Christmas after the show, which seemed like hardly any time to celebrate such a beautiful holiday.

As a South Asian, I don’t feel guilty for feeling emotional attachments to Western holidays. I know that this is a consequence of living here in the US. I’m certain that if I was living in India, I would feel the same for holidays there.

In general, it seems like a good idea to celebrate for any reason and to have any excuse to feel joyful, at peace and connect with our spirituality.

I wish everyone a very happy Diwali, Thanksgiving and any other occasion you choose to celebrate at this time.

“It Felt Love. How did the rose ever open its heart and give to this world all its beauty? It felt the encouragement of light against its being. Otherwise, we all remain too frightened. –Hafiz

In Hindu mythology, Ganesha, Lord of Overcoming Obstacles, is the god with the elephant head and human-like body. He is the son of Shiva and Parvati. Ganesha is wise and jovial, often impulsive and sometimes careless, but always filling the world around him with laughter and joy. He loves to dance, eat sweets and he rides a tiny mouse, Mushika. Problems and obstacles disappear when he is near. Often depicted with four or more arms he carries a combination of these tools:

* a goad–a type of handheld spur used by elephant drivers that symbolizes good judgment that leads to good action.
* a noose to snare obstacles and sweep them out of the path of people”
* a sweet dumpling or modaka that is a symbol of joy
* an assortment of weapons: swords, bows and axes
* a broken tusk which represents sacrifice
* different fruits such as mangoes and pomegranates that represent abundance and prosperity.

Traditionally people ask for Ganesha’s blessing before a journey, a new job or venture. Known as the master of dance, Ganesha’s gesture of blessing, the abhaya mudra, means “Be not afraid.” In one story where Ganesha is called for help, he meets a demon that is about to take over the world. Ganesha tells the demon, “You are taking up far too much space on this mountain.” Then he swallows the demon, bringing the world back to balance and harmony.

Our own demons and obstacles can have the same impact on our lives. When we are focused on our problems and feeling closed down, there is not space for feelings of joy, appreciation and gratitude for the good things in our lives.

Sharon Salzberg writes in her book Loving-kindness, “The difference between misery and happiness depends on what we do with our attention.”

As in Ganesha’s world, our problems and obstacles can be overcome as we direct our attention to aspects in our lives that bring us joy and inspiration and to the practices that connect us to our own ability to love ourselves and others. It comes down to our ability to focus inward, listen and put our intentions into action. This takes discipline, courage and the desire to move towards what keeps our hearts and minds open.”

I have thought about the image of Ganesha when I felt there were issues to overcome. Visualizing him or looking at a symbol of him allowed me to harness the ability to overcome. Perhaps he is a symbol you can incorporate in your life as well.

Source: Eastern Sun Yoga

I recently wrote an article for ABCDlady Magazine entitled “Fitting In.” It touches on an aspect of immigration that does not get much attention. I’m certain there are many people that upon moving to another country, particularly the US, have seen dynamics in their family change. Some children may have experienced their formative years in their originating country (India in my case), whereas the younger siblings experience their formative years in the new country. This can contribute to a divide between the siblings down the road, particularly if not managed well by the parents.

I was encouraged to speak English at home, rather than my native Rajasthani dialect. As would be expected, I was eventually not able to effectively speak the dialect, although I can still understand it. Eventually, that contributed in creating a divide as I was the only one speaking in English. I’ve learned about languages that not all words and concepts can be easily translated. There are emotionally-evocative Hindi songs that would lose much in an attempt to translate the words and meaning. From this perspective, I want my children to know Hindi at least. Expecting it of my white spouse is probably a tall order.

It can be alienating and isolating for second-generation South Asians who manage to find some integration in their new country, but are not able to connect with their family of origin anymore. Their family can feel like a club they are not welcome in. As we age and are not able to have the ideal family dynamics we imagined, all is not lost. Rather than focusing on what we have missed out on and do not have, we can create the relationships we seek with others. There are people in the world that want to be paternal or like siblings. We can create our own families biologically and through the formation of our own community.

I intend to be the mother I wanted to have. I’ve thought specifically of the maternal characteristics I would have wanted to see and experience in my life and plan to give that to my children. I can be someone who is engaged, present, nurturing, and involved. I can be the type of sibling I would have liked to have with friends: supportive, caring, interesting, and funny. We don’t control others and their choices; we can only try to control ourselves.

Since having moved to the US when I was seven, I’ve gone through various phases of adjusting and adapting to a new culture and figuring out what parts of two cultures I wanted to integrate. Some of this has been conscious, some not. There were swings of loyalty. On a study abroad trip to Rishikesh, India in 1990 when I was 22, students could visually see these swings in the attire I wore. One day I would wear a sari and the next jeans. I started the days at the ashram early with a candlelight, reading the Bhagavadgita, which we were studying, and listening to bhajans, with the sound of the Ganges nearby. I had never felt more at peace.

Over the years, I’ve come to realize that there are many factors that play into how people respond to a different culture and to the extent that they adapt. South Asians from India have come to label people as “FOB” (fresh off the boat) or “ABCD” (American Born Confused Desi). I’m realizing that there are many grey areas between these labels where most people from India fit. There are people in India that could be labeled “ABCD,” even though they may never have lived or visited the US.

By the same token, I know Indians that were born in the US that could be labeled “FOB,” and may have just taken a few trips back to the “motherland.” This has much to do with the culture they find themselves in at the time and how this resonates for them at a personal, individual level. As the world becomes more global, there are increasing numbers of Indians in India that live in a very Western world within India, although it may be a stereotype of a Western world. Some of these changes can be seen in portrayals in Indian cinema, at least in terms of what appears to be “cool,” even if many may not live those lifestyles.

For instance, in “Pyaar Ke Side Effects,” dating appears to be common, along with premarital sex (being accepted) and women living on their own. The attire is almost entirely Western, and there is even open kissing! The theme is a typical Western theme, of a non-committal guy and a woman ready to get married after dating a long time, and who is also a “runaway bride.”

It seems counterproductive to try to label others or ourselves on some range of FOB to ABCD. With increasing globalization, it will become irrelevant. We are just people that resonate with different aspects of different cultures we are exposed to at different levels based on our different temperaments and personalities, some of which we are born with and some we develop from our experiences.

On my thirty-fifth birthday, in June of 2003, I received my divorce – the best present ever. I had started a brief relationship at work that instilled some sense of my attractiveness. By that Fall, I began casually dating others and getting to know my preferences. I mostly went on one-date coffee dates, and didn’t necessarily feel the need to see them again. I felt like I was experiencing a phase I was supposed to have lived at eighteen. I was getting know myself and most importantly, to feel comfortable being with myself and in my skin. Although there was a weekend I squeezed in eight dates (to maximize my child-less alternating weekends), I also enjoyed not scheduling any dates and relishing the peaceful solitude.

Three was about the maximum number of dates I went on with any one person. A male friend teased me about this – my normal “one date” policy. I teased him for having a pattern of four-month “relationships” with women and then breaking their hearts. I didn’t feel ready for a relationship and passed up some great guys that were eligible and would have potentially made great mates.

I focused on my getting myself financially stable so that I could take good care of my son. I felt that I was all he had and could not count on anyone else, including his father. I worked a lot of over-time, taking my son in to work with me on weekends occasionally. I also got an MBA, on-line. I stayed very busy for a few years after 2003.

By the following summer, in 2004, I managed to move my son and I into a different and better home. It was empowering to feel like I could do anything and create the life I wanted. There was stability in my life and my son thrived within the structure. I kept him at a great school nearby, making sure my new home was nearby and driving two hours to work. I felt proud that I managed to keep him at the same school since kindergarten, as I had grown up moving every two years.

By the fall of 2005, met a man through church and decided to give love another chance. We married two years later, on 7/7/07 (along with many others). We have survived bumps and I am blessed to have had a daughter in February of 2009 who I didn’t expect to have.

I am hopeful for my future and my children’s. I look forward to seeing them growing up and learning from my past to be a better parent. There have been many lessons (and continue to be more) that I will keep reflecting on. I want to make the most of the life that I have.